Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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