I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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