my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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