There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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