I hate your face
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
