So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
