can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
