god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Screwed.edu
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
