How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
