You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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