wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
