Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
