So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
