Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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