Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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