youre lurking in front of me
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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