Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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