I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
