Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
