Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
