Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
