Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had to cum in my sink.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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