just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
