Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
