im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
