worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
