omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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