I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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