Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
