The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
