It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
