so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Terrible idea I love it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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