4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
