piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
