PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
