All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
