You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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