dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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