dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
