When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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