I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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