Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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