I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
