Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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