so let's talk penis.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
