omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
