this just has baby written all over it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
