Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
