i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
