...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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