I cockslap morals
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
